Wondering

When I first booked this trip to Hawaii, I could hardly imagine what August would bring on the world stage. It was an act floating on fresh fumes of hope and an eagerness to begin anew. It was February, nearly a full year after the beginning of this strange nightmare otherwise known as “COVID,” though barely a couple of months into crafting my plans and steeling my nerves to go through with them, but for this trip, I was beyond ready.

The journey to Oahu felt like the longest one of my life after that time I had to fly to China in a middle seat and promptly begin work after landing on no sleep. Despite the cost, I’m grateful I splurged on first class seats, which significantly mitigated the challenge. I was a bit on the brink mentally leaving my mom’s house. One month had already done a number on my sanity. The noise from the upstairs neighbors (and their dying air conditioning unit) felt endless; my delicate sleep patterns, though fickle anyway, were nearly completely lost. The combination eroded my joy and patience. On top of that, I was forced to face the very real mortality of my grandparents. No amount of logic or rationalization could have prepared me to see the slow shuffle of my grandfather’s feet, the progression of dementia in one of my grandmothers, and the physical challenges of the other. Personality-wise, they really haven’t changed, especially my grandmothers. They are both still particular, decisive, and powerful even if only in their own minds, but my childhood memories of them as these all-mighty beings came to a crashing and abrupt halt in their meeting with reality. The result was a blow to my psyche and energy that I did not expect despite watching my mother struggle with caring for hers from afar, and of course, simply knowing that such a time would eventually come. I do not wish to see such days for myself, but I also know I do not wish for the alternative. In some ways my current adventuring will allow me the flexibility to see my grandparents more in the waning window of time I have left with them and for that, I’m grateful. Grad school afforded me that same such luck with one grandfather, getting some long overdue face-time before the end came all too soon. 

As I sit on a lanai overlooking an exquisite beach landscape, I realize even paradise isn’t enough to quiet my mind. I still worry and wonder about the things I may never know or have the chance to ask. I would like to hope that in death, one gains all the answers to all life’s questions, but I also know how ridiculous that sounds. My curiosity is sometimes taxing. What seems like the infinite vessels of a soul is soothing in that one may live yet again, though I’ve technically won the lottery in some ways so pushing my luck seems rather bold. But ever since a strange déjà vu experience I had in Delphi, Greece as a teen, I’ve felt my soul must have lived before. In some ways it seems travelers by nature are likely souls who have lived many times and so, are naturally drawn to places from their past lives as well as new paths for their next one to find. It all comes into great conflict with my Catholic upbringing, but frankly so does most of what I’ve come to believe and even what I believed as a child. I’ve been skeptical of organized religion for most of my life, mostly because it seems to protect more evil than good on a grand scale, and while it provides solace and direction for some, it supports complacency, blindness, hate, and even violence too. Do you really need a book of instructions to endeavor to be “good”? The threat of hellfire? I guess some people do. Then again, some only use it as it suits them anyway. I digress and in any case I’m in no position to lecture. I just wonder. I wonder and I wonder because even if I’m right, the end of one life is still the end. So we have to make the most of what we have.

My first summer living in NorCal, my mom and brother came to visit me. It was July in the Bay Area and my mom’s reaction to my warning to bring a jacket and scarf was met with a choking sound and apt confusion. Though I was living in Marin County at the time and enjoyed the warm summer weather afforded to that particular micro-climate, I had already figured out, quite painfully, that “summer” did not exactly apply the same way across the region. Sausalito was a great example, but after a day of exploring in our layers we landed in a restaurant near the water for dinner. The food was delicious and we all scoured our plates. I watched with curiosity as my brother inspected what was clearly an inedible garnish on his plate, the last remaining item. Cautiously, he bit into it at which my head cocked pointedly in reaction. He immediately placed it back down on his plate without eating it, but still seemed satisfied. I asked him why he decided to bite it when it quite obviously wasn’t food. He replied, “I just didn’t want to look back and wonder if I could’ve eaten that.” My mom and I nearly died laughing, but it’s probably one of my favorite things that anyone has ever said. Both because of my affinity for (and mildly unhealthy obsession with) eating and because it’s actually rather profound if you think about it. No regrets. Let me wonder now and try what I can so maybe later I can wander more and wonder less.

Some of Oahu’s Wonders

Photos: Top: Airbnb lanai in Kailua, Bottom collage features shots from (from bottom) Byodo-In Temple, Waimānalo Beach, Iolani Palace, Haleiwa Beach, Hālona Blowhole, and Pali Lookout.