When I decided on this current chapter of life I was filled with excitement. O how change can fuel me. That excitement propelled me into planning and o how satisfying planning and organizing can be. In my mind, once the journey/travel began, some of my perpetual anxiety would end or at least I’d put it aside for a time so I could focus on the present and allow exploration, knowledge, decisions, and new interests to grab hold and release me at will. In many ways, that has been true, and yet some old habits die hard. Though typically calm, I am generally impatient, particularly with myself. So far, I have developed many more questions than answers as it relates to my next steps, much to the confoundment of my desire for decisiveness, and even some of the plans I thought I had already made.
I always find myself on a beach to decipher my thoughts and as I write this, it is no different. It’s windy and partly cloudy, which is perfect, allowing for full immersion into the ambience without actually baking in the sun. The combined sound of the winds and waves is almost deafening, but in a way that also feels like being wrapped safely in a cocoon or the soothing effect of a cool blanket. If I let it all run through me, perhaps some clarity will remain or form.
What feels different about Hawaii beaches is the rich history and culture in which they are steeped. Something I am conscious of and curious about with every step I take around this island. Nearly all of my own ancestral homelands are along a coast. I hadn’t given much thought to that before and perhaps it holds no bearing on my affinity for the ocean shores, but who knows, maybe it does. Maybe I’m eager to find connection to people and cultures I will never know. Maybe my whole life’s path has been about filling various voids. I daresay they are not fillable. Ever-hungry thoughts race through my mind constantly while I watch other people seemingly find contentment. But I don’t really want to be “content.” Contentment to me feels synonymous with settling. Not necessarily a bad thing, settling could be settling down, a steadiness, calm seas. Yet, it’s waves that always draw me in and thus, their ups and downs. Hunger means you’re still alive; it means you must move; it means you still have things to do; things you must do. It’s the most motivating force. I already see my motivations shifting though, be it emotional exhaustion, growth, questioning, or just change.
As I prepare to end the first major trip of this multi-leg journey, my take-aways are sobering:
- I still need to give myself more grace. As a new wave of the pandemic rages on, all of us have changed and will have to continue to bend with each new twist and turn. What I envisioned for this journey originally will have to change too, as will my own goals for its outcomes.
- Embrace the questions. It seems like eons ago, but just a couple of years back, I stood in front the entire school community where I worked at the time to give a graduation speech, an experience of which I could never have dreamt, and gave some of best and most authentic advice I’ve ever shared: lean into the discomfort. It’s not the questions themselves that unnerve me or even the change (we all know I have a natural affinity for that), but I suppose it’s the lack of tangibility in this particular change that for the highly rational side of my brain is causing the impatience. Even some of the things I thought I knew about this path I now question, but that’s okay too.
- Keep enjoying the minutes and moments. Living in the present has always been challenging for someone who is always planning and looking forward to the next thing. It’s the type of challenge I need in order to avoid getting sucked into something I don’t.
In the end, I’m still excited. I’m still confident that listening in for my own inner rhythms and seeking the opportunities that align with them is the best choice I can make for myself. And I’m still grateful that I have the time, means, and opportunity to take care of myself. Taking my time and soaking it all in feels right even when the world around me is less certain; especially when the world around me is less certain. Absorbing the current of the vibes on this island, as I’ve wandered through most of it now, adds new thoughts to a new future. Hawaii has been good to this girl and it’s not an experience I’m likely to forget.
Fluent Wandering 