How did we get here?

There have been a few times in my adult life when I had to ask myself, “How did I get here?” Some of those were immediately followed by the more important, “How do I get away from here?” Sometimes, you’re led down a path that works and other times, you have to intentionally choose and chart a new course. The journey that I begin now is a representation of the latter.

We’ve all found ourselves in a space in which we did not wish to be at one time or another. Not necessarily because we had done something wrong, though sometimes it was in fact a faulty decision, but ultimately, sometimes life/the universe/God (whatever you believe) has different plans for us than those we may have carefully laid. In truth, I’ve reached these crossroads several times and I’ll be the first to admit that it’s scary every time. This time felt different. I saw myself sacrificing my health, dignity, and soul, and I recognized a pattern. A pattern of my own habits as well as the environments I allowed myself to attempt to carve a space within. Spaces that were never designed to support or nourish me no matter how much I gave. At the time of this recognition, I likened it to being shoved from a precipice that I had long been pushed towards. From the bottom, looking up, I realized I had no desire to reach the summit. I realized that this was not my mountain to climb; it was the one I was told to climb, the only one I had been able to see, and being someone driven to achieve, I had therefore dedicated all of my effort and energy, planning and strategizing and more to ascend its steep face. What I realize now is that the mountain I’m supposed to climb is a little to the left. It won’t necessarily be easier or take less time to reach great heights, though it might. I just know the air there won’t choke me when I try to breathe, I can stop to make camp wherever I choose, the wind carries my voice when I speak instead of drowning it out, and the prize for reaching the peak isn’t something that someone else awards to me – it’s something I claim for myself.

I’ll stop the outdoorsy metaphors now because those who know me know I’m not exactly one to commune with “The nature,” but I hope you see it too. And I hope you see it for yourself. I hope every person who reads this takes a moment to pause right now. Look right, left, up, and down. Are you on the right trail, the right ridge? Whose mountain are you climbing?

I have no special gifts or crystal ball so I don’t know how or when I will reach my destination, whatever that may look like. I know sometimes life is just hard, but I also know there’s something to be said for making peace within and making my own joy. Luckily, my hard work for that first mountain put me in a position to be able to take a detour, to take my job to a remote space, and wander. Maps no longer suit me – they were made by someone else, with their biases and beliefs. Maps are just suggestions now. With every intention of returning to home to Los Angeles, I’m also letting my roots fall where they may and digging in as I go. At the end of all this, date undetermined, I hope to publish a book of corresponding poetry. Until then, I aim for bi-weekly, if not weekly, updates on where I am in this journey – physically and metaphorically.

Thanks for tagging along!

Photo taken @ Descanso Gardens, La Cañada Flintridge, CA