Up, up, and away

Exactly three months ago, I was sitting on a beach in St. Lucia pondering my wandering. It struck me that I was entering the final quarter of the game, or rather I was nearing the end of the time period I had allotted for this initial trip around the planet. With 2022 quickly approaching, I reviewed the journey so far… so many destinations, some I have yet to write about (Portugal, Puerto Rico, St. Lucia). So many new experiences, new and rekindled bonds, and SO. MUCH. GOOD. FOOD. Frankly, I’ve been surprised every time I step on the scale between trips and find that the results have remained relatively consistent. It’s amazing what joy can do and words cannot truly express the joy I feel about each and every moment, nor the pride I feel for stepping out of my comfort zone, freeing myself from what doesn’t serve me, and committing to discovering more than I ever could have imagined. But there I was on the sand with only a few months left of international travel and I had no idea what was next.

The pandemic has brought us many unknowns, as well as a new level of adaptability, a new acceptance for the unexpected if you will. I was looking ahead to a question mark, very much unlike me, or at least the old me.  Also unlike the old me, I felt no anxiety about that at all. It was a renewed sense of possibility. Do I want to continue the wander, perhaps playing with how that looked, maybe a mix of domestic and international destinations, and settling for longer stretches in each place? None of my ideas felt quite right. I was happy generally and excited for the adventures to come, but something was missing that I couldn’t put my finger on. The thought of returning to LA had always been the back-up plan and seemed acceptable at that moment, but the idea of permanently resettling there did not. I just didn’t feel done yet (and of course, I wasn’t), but it felt like I was waiting/looking for a sense of closure for this chapter and I wasn’t sure what would give me that. Now, I look back and realize I was waiting for that feeling again; the one that’s always driven me in my choices, but especially the one that has guided me this past year. The one that is confident in the choice that needs to be made; call it gut or intuition. I knew the feeling would eventually strike again – she can be quiet, but when she has something to say, she makes herself heard (very much like me, ahem). While I was comfortable with my faith in her, I’m also just generally impatient and I guess I thought it should have hit me by then. By January, I was periodically checking around corners and listening to the silence of my innermost thoughts each morning, waiting for the sign, that indescribable knowledge. I didn’t even realize it had already been set in motion. 

In February, as my plane landed in Singapore, I felt an odd sense of excitement, different from what I had felt on any trip prior. I remember actually smiling to myself and it caught me off guard given that I had just been in transit for nearly 40 damn hours. The “taxi uncle” who picked me up from the airport to take me to my hotel was energetic and kind. He asked me where I was from and when I told him, he asked, “You live here now, right?” I told him no, but shared that I had a job interview that Friday. “O ma’am, I hope you get it!” He seemed so genuinely excited and I really took his enthusiasm to heart. When my friend and former colleague first mentioned months ago that there would be an opening for a University Advisor at the school where she worked in Singapore, I thought little of it. I wasn’t particularly interested in returning to a school setting and I wasn’t ready to process through those feelings yet either. But admittedly, it hung out in the back of my mind, and she was persistent in her periodic reminders. By the time we had the opportunity to reunite in LA in December, I had my list of questions prepared, her answers to which would determine whether or not I would seriously consider exploring my candidacy for the position. We went through each of my questions in detail from the office vibes and school culture to living in Singapore and living there as a Black woman. By the end, it really seemed like there weren’t too many downsides.

If you’ve known me for any amount of time, it won’t surprise you that I’ve always considered the idea of living abroad. So many options I had seen early on in my career just hadn’t seemed worth it to pursue or just weren’t the right fit. Then, somewhere in the grind of building a career and establishing myself as an adult and professional, I lost the impetus to seriously look for international job opportunities. I started to hone in on opportunities for international travel instead. But this one… I was still unsure when I chatted about it with another friend, who asked me simply, “What’s really holding you back?” I had to think about it. The reality was, I was hesitant to re-enter a general structure that had been toxic for me in the past, so I really needed to feel good about not only the institutional philosophy, but how it’s put into practice, as well as the support and balance within the community. Additionally, from a practical perspective, with the new rule changes for the Public Service Loan Forgiveness (PSLF) program, it sounded like I would finally have an opportunity to get rid of a huge amount of student loan debt (like they originally promised us) and I wasn’t sure how many months of eligible payments the recalculation would say I still owed. Given the government’s track record, I also wasn’t expecting an update from them any time soon. Employment at an international school would not qualify for the program and I did not want to lose my chance. Despite all of this, just before I left for DC for the holidays, I felt good enough about what I’d learned that I decided I would submit an application for the job when it opened. 

It was perhaps my first night at home with my mom ahead of Christmas when we sat chatting at the dining room table. She mentioned she had been talking to a friend about my travels and had concluded that I would probably end up in Singapore. I was dumbstruck. I hadn’t told my mom about the position or that I had decided to apply. I asked her, “What makes you say that? I haven’t even been there yet.” Of course, I had been planning to visit my friend there in February for many months, but that’s all. She said she wasn’t sure, she just saw me ending up there, which is when I awkwardly dropped the, “Well, it’s funny you should say that… because I just decided to apply for a job there.” Has anyone studied how many senses moms get or we’re just going with it?

In January, a few weeks after I submitted my application for the position, I got an email from my student loan provider saying that I had a new document to review online. Assuming it was a tax document, I signed into my account and absent-mindedly went to open the new document. I had to read it four times before I understood it was telling me that the re-review of my previous payments made under the PSLF program had been completed and I had, in fact, made all necessary payments, resulting in a zero balance. Staring back at my account home page, I noticed that the debt was completely gone. I rarely cry, nor am I someone who becomes overwhelmed with emotion, but I have never been overcome with joy before in my life. I don’t know the last time I cried that hard. When I ran downstairs bawling, haphazardly carrying my laptop to show her the letter, I scared my mother into thinking something terrible had happened. She had to read the letter a few times herself before she looked at me and cautiously asked, “This is good, right?” I can not wait to find just the right frame for that bad boy! 

And just like that, a major barrier I had been bending around like a pretzel to still accomplish much of what I wanted in life was removed. I could only laugh at the serendipity when I got the notification of becoming a short-listed candidate just days before my flight to Singapore and my interviews beginning a few days after I landed. I had the opportunity to tour the campus and meet many of my future colleagues in person. Sometimes you think you control your life and sometimes you’re reminded that your power is quite finite. With an offer I couldn’t refuse, I will make my way to Singapore this summer to see what else is in store for me and what else I can make for myself.

The reality is, moving abroad is complex and I know the learning curve for my first year on the job will be a steep one, but the pros far outweigh the challenges. Singapore is an incredibly unique place and I was surprised by how easily I felt comfortable. Of course it helps that it’s one of the safest countries in the world. It’s also situated such that exploration is far more practical and affordable than it would ever be in the States. The school’s mission is one that speaks to how I’ve always chosen to engage in education; I’m thrilled to work alongside international staff and with students whose perspectives and experiences I have yet to come across. O and breaks are actually a real thing – I checked. Pretty much every couple of months, we have a couple of weeks off (truly); a perfect time to catch up, reset and/or jet set, and that’s the type of work/life balance I need.

So, I’ll be wandering a bit longer after all and in a different way. I can’t believe my luck, but I also know as much as the timing worked out well, it’s also about the years of building expertise, experiences, and connections that have culminated in opportunity. The lesson keeps repeating itself and the reminder is probably necessary: You are more than enough; embrace growth, embrace change, embrace others, embrace you. (Start with the last one first.) It’s almost unbelievable just how much good has made its way into my life since I decided to intentionally move through the world to my own rhythm. I will not sacrifice what I have learned even as I return to a more traditional job setting.

People always say they don’t regret the challenges they faced because it made them who they are. I feel similarly, but at the same time, I wonder how many routes might have led to a similar point or opportunity, a similar peace, if I had just chosen myself a little sooner.